my parents

you know, i'm going to be honest right here, right now
despite all the quarrels i have with my parents. despite all the times i despise them, all the times we disagree and i have angst as to what they make me do. as much as i make them out to be complete asses who deprive me of everything, i still love them dearly. despite all the times they annoy me, there are times when we are the best of friends, when i can feel comfortable and secure in them, when they redeem themselves and show that they do surely love me, even when i don't. and i'll have to admit, if and when i do move away somewhere, i will actually miss them. i respect them and what they have gone through because of me, all of the stress and heartache and just angst towards me because of how i chose to live. as much angst as i hold against them, sometimes like now, i realize how much they have for me because of my choices. and although i know they're proud of me, it's that reason why i blame myself so much when i fail to live up to it. it's not a matter of them putting it on me, that's not the pressure of living up to their expectations, it's the pressure of not getting there and knowing i disappointed them. and as much as i say about them making them out to be bad people, more than anything, i want them to be proud of me. i want to stand there, accomplishments in hand, and see the look on their face, smiling, and proud of waht i've done. i've cried many times because of not being able to see that. just once, i want to see their smiling faces, and know that i've done soemthing they can be proud of me for, and not faces of anger that i failed them once again.