you know, i'm going to be honest right here, right now
despite all the quarrels i have with my parents. despite all the times i despise them, all the times we disagree and i have angst as to what they make me do. as much as i make them out to be complete asses who deprive me of everything, i still love them dearly. despite all the times they annoy me, there are times when we are the best of friends, when i can feel comfortable and secure in them, when they redeem themselves and show that they do surely love me, even when i don't. and i'll have to admit, if and when i do move away somewhere, i will actually miss them. i respect them and what they have gone through because of me, all of the stress and heartache and just angst towards me because of how i chose to live. as much angst as i hold against them, sometimes like now, i realize how much they have for me because of my choices. and although i know they're proud of me, it's that reason why i blame myself so much when i fail to live up to it. it's not a matter of them putting it on me, that's not the pressure of living up to their expectations, it's the pressure of not getting there and knowing i disappointed them. and as much as i say about them making them out to be bad people, more than anything, i want them to be proud of me. i want to stand there, accomplishments in hand, and see the look on their face, smiling, and proud of waht i've done. i've cried many times because of not being able to see that. just once, i want to see their smiling faces, and know that i've done soemthing they can be proud of me for, and not faces of anger that i failed them once again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
college life in general
ok so this blog is slowly drifting from what i intended it to be.
it was supposed to be more impersonal and i wouldn't blog about the things about me so much, and it would be more of general ideas and stuff. but it's my blog and i'll do what i want with it ;).
i say this way too often it's overdone, and yet i never get around to changing it. every year i follow the same pattern so much it's become a habit, a tradition, a ritual. and as much as i say i will make it different the next semester, the next semester follows the same flow as the one before. each year i resolve to do better, to get that 4.0 to make my parents proud, and prove to myself and in my mind, to everyone that thinks so highly of me, that i AM capable of doing this. but each year, my true nature shows. i slack off, i blow things off, i misprioritize things until the end of the semester looms, as they do now, and i realize i just messed up another semester. and then i have to play a dangerous game. i have to motivate myself, delude myself into a disillusion that i can pull this off, and play catchup in a race i have long since lost. it plays with my emotions, my confidence, everything about me so much. and there's noone to burst it out to, for whoever i tell will lose their faith in me, and i'll hear those words yet again, failure, useless, a waste of talent and ability. why do people believe so much in me. what do they see in me? anyone who looks at me will see a kid barely scraping with a 3.5 that over the course of 2 years has gone to below 3.0, into the 2.7 region. i see a kid overwhelmed with the expectations that are placed on him, in a degree that he will not finish in time, with opportunities he should not have, and others more that were just out of his reach.
i don't know what you all see, but that's what i see when i look in the mirror. and it's laughing at me.
it was supposed to be more impersonal and i wouldn't blog about the things about me so much, and it would be more of general ideas and stuff. but it's my blog and i'll do what i want with it ;).
i say this way too often it's overdone, and yet i never get around to changing it. every year i follow the same pattern so much it's become a habit, a tradition, a ritual. and as much as i say i will make it different the next semester, the next semester follows the same flow as the one before. each year i resolve to do better, to get that 4.0 to make my parents proud, and prove to myself and in my mind, to everyone that thinks so highly of me, that i AM capable of doing this. but each year, my true nature shows. i slack off, i blow things off, i misprioritize things until the end of the semester looms, as they do now, and i realize i just messed up another semester. and then i have to play a dangerous game. i have to motivate myself, delude myself into a disillusion that i can pull this off, and play catchup in a race i have long since lost. it plays with my emotions, my confidence, everything about me so much. and there's noone to burst it out to, for whoever i tell will lose their faith in me, and i'll hear those words yet again, failure, useless, a waste of talent and ability. why do people believe so much in me. what do they see in me? anyone who looks at me will see a kid barely scraping with a 3.5 that over the course of 2 years has gone to below 3.0, into the 2.7 region. i see a kid overwhelmed with the expectations that are placed on him, in a degree that he will not finish in time, with opportunities he should not have, and others more that were just out of his reach.
i don't know what you all see, but that's what i see when i look in the mirror. and it's laughing at me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
solitude
i can't help but have that feeling once more, than i do not belong here.
but i don't know where i should be. there'd be a few people i'd miss so much
people that mean so much to me that i cannot imagine being away from them.
but then i realize and remember waht someone once told me. a true friendship transcends all boundaries of communication. a true friend is one you can call up after years, and talk as if you had never parted. and a true friend is one that you can also call the next day, and talk as if you hadn't met in years. it is that contradiction and paradox, that complication that makes so much sense, that is waht i see as a friend. those i know will go with me wherever i end up. but at the same time, it's other people, other situations, that make me wonder if i really should still be here. i just have the feeling i'm in the wrong place, and that has only reconfirmed itself since i went to UMBC, i know it's been only 1 semester, but i already get the feeling that the situation has established itself, and i'm not a part of that. the social networks have been spun, and they have embedded themselves and set, and i can't help but feel that there is no entrance for me there. but if not there, where? where do i belong? until i find out, i will have to tough it out. perhaps someday i will fit in here, perhaps one day i won't. for now i don't, but as time passes, i will find someplace i belong and feel a sense of belonging, whether here, or there, wherever i end up going.
but i don't know where i should be. there'd be a few people i'd miss so much
people that mean so much to me that i cannot imagine being away from them.
but then i realize and remember waht someone once told me. a true friendship transcends all boundaries of communication. a true friend is one you can call up after years, and talk as if you had never parted. and a true friend is one that you can also call the next day, and talk as if you hadn't met in years. it is that contradiction and paradox, that complication that makes so much sense, that is waht i see as a friend. those i know will go with me wherever i end up. but at the same time, it's other people, other situations, that make me wonder if i really should still be here. i just have the feeling i'm in the wrong place, and that has only reconfirmed itself since i went to UMBC, i know it's been only 1 semester, but i already get the feeling that the situation has established itself, and i'm not a part of that. the social networks have been spun, and they have embedded themselves and set, and i can't help but feel that there is no entrance for me there. but if not there, where? where do i belong? until i find out, i will have to tough it out. perhaps someday i will fit in here, perhaps one day i won't. for now i don't, but as time passes, i will find someplace i belong and feel a sense of belonging, whether here, or there, wherever i end up going.
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