college life in general

ok so this blog is slowly drifting from what i intended it to be.
it was supposed to be more impersonal and i wouldn't blog about the things about me so much, and it would be more of general ideas and stuff. but it's my blog and i'll do what i want with it ;).
i say this way too often it's overdone, and yet i never get around to changing it. every year i follow the same pattern so much it's become a habit, a tradition, a ritual. and as much as i say i will make it different the next semester, the next semester follows the same flow as the one before. each year i resolve to do better, to get that 4.0 to make my parents proud, and prove to myself and in my mind, to everyone that thinks so highly of me, that i AM capable of doing this. but each year, my true nature shows. i slack off, i blow things off, i misprioritize things until the end of the semester looms, as they do now, and i realize i just messed up another semester. and then i have to play a dangerous game. i have to motivate myself, delude myself into a disillusion that i can pull this off, and play catchup in a race i have long since lost. it plays with my emotions, my confidence, everything about me so much. and there's noone to burst it out to, for whoever i tell will lose their faith in me, and i'll hear those words yet again, failure, useless, a waste of talent and ability. why do people believe so much in me. what do they see in me? anyone who looks at me will see a kid barely scraping with a 3.5 that over the course of 2 years has gone to below 3.0, into the 2.7 region. i see a kid overwhelmed with the expectations that are placed on him, in a degree that he will not finish in time, with opportunities he should not have, and others more that were just out of his reach.
i don't know what you all see, but that's what i see when i look in the mirror. and it's laughing at me.