you know, i'm going to be honest right here, right now
despite all the quarrels i have with my parents. despite all the times i despise them, all the times we disagree and i have angst as to what they make me do. as much as i make them out to be complete asses who deprive me of everything, i still love them dearly. despite all the times they annoy me, there are times when we are the best of friends, when i can feel comfortable and secure in them, when they redeem themselves and show that they do surely love me, even when i don't. and i'll have to admit, if and when i do move away somewhere, i will actually miss them. i respect them and what they have gone through because of me, all of the stress and heartache and just angst towards me because of how i chose to live. as much angst as i hold against them, sometimes like now, i realize how much they have for me because of my choices. and although i know they're proud of me, it's that reason why i blame myself so much when i fail to live up to it. it's not a matter of them putting it on me, that's not the pressure of living up to their expectations, it's the pressure of not getting there and knowing i disappointed them. and as much as i say about them making them out to be bad people, more than anything, i want them to be proud of me. i want to stand there, accomplishments in hand, and see the look on their face, smiling, and proud of waht i've done. i've cried many times because of not being able to see that. just once, i want to see their smiling faces, and know that i've done soemthing they can be proud of me for, and not faces of anger that i failed them once again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
college life in general
ok so this blog is slowly drifting from what i intended it to be.
it was supposed to be more impersonal and i wouldn't blog about the things about me so much, and it would be more of general ideas and stuff. but it's my blog and i'll do what i want with it ;).
i say this way too often it's overdone, and yet i never get around to changing it. every year i follow the same pattern so much it's become a habit, a tradition, a ritual. and as much as i say i will make it different the next semester, the next semester follows the same flow as the one before. each year i resolve to do better, to get that 4.0 to make my parents proud, and prove to myself and in my mind, to everyone that thinks so highly of me, that i AM capable of doing this. but each year, my true nature shows. i slack off, i blow things off, i misprioritize things until the end of the semester looms, as they do now, and i realize i just messed up another semester. and then i have to play a dangerous game. i have to motivate myself, delude myself into a disillusion that i can pull this off, and play catchup in a race i have long since lost. it plays with my emotions, my confidence, everything about me so much. and there's noone to burst it out to, for whoever i tell will lose their faith in me, and i'll hear those words yet again, failure, useless, a waste of talent and ability. why do people believe so much in me. what do they see in me? anyone who looks at me will see a kid barely scraping with a 3.5 that over the course of 2 years has gone to below 3.0, into the 2.7 region. i see a kid overwhelmed with the expectations that are placed on him, in a degree that he will not finish in time, with opportunities he should not have, and others more that were just out of his reach.
i don't know what you all see, but that's what i see when i look in the mirror. and it's laughing at me.
it was supposed to be more impersonal and i wouldn't blog about the things about me so much, and it would be more of general ideas and stuff. but it's my blog and i'll do what i want with it ;).
i say this way too often it's overdone, and yet i never get around to changing it. every year i follow the same pattern so much it's become a habit, a tradition, a ritual. and as much as i say i will make it different the next semester, the next semester follows the same flow as the one before. each year i resolve to do better, to get that 4.0 to make my parents proud, and prove to myself and in my mind, to everyone that thinks so highly of me, that i AM capable of doing this. but each year, my true nature shows. i slack off, i blow things off, i misprioritize things until the end of the semester looms, as they do now, and i realize i just messed up another semester. and then i have to play a dangerous game. i have to motivate myself, delude myself into a disillusion that i can pull this off, and play catchup in a race i have long since lost. it plays with my emotions, my confidence, everything about me so much. and there's noone to burst it out to, for whoever i tell will lose their faith in me, and i'll hear those words yet again, failure, useless, a waste of talent and ability. why do people believe so much in me. what do they see in me? anyone who looks at me will see a kid barely scraping with a 3.5 that over the course of 2 years has gone to below 3.0, into the 2.7 region. i see a kid overwhelmed with the expectations that are placed on him, in a degree that he will not finish in time, with opportunities he should not have, and others more that were just out of his reach.
i don't know what you all see, but that's what i see when i look in the mirror. and it's laughing at me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
solitude
i can't help but have that feeling once more, than i do not belong here.
but i don't know where i should be. there'd be a few people i'd miss so much
people that mean so much to me that i cannot imagine being away from them.
but then i realize and remember waht someone once told me. a true friendship transcends all boundaries of communication. a true friend is one you can call up after years, and talk as if you had never parted. and a true friend is one that you can also call the next day, and talk as if you hadn't met in years. it is that contradiction and paradox, that complication that makes so much sense, that is waht i see as a friend. those i know will go with me wherever i end up. but at the same time, it's other people, other situations, that make me wonder if i really should still be here. i just have the feeling i'm in the wrong place, and that has only reconfirmed itself since i went to UMBC, i know it's been only 1 semester, but i already get the feeling that the situation has established itself, and i'm not a part of that. the social networks have been spun, and they have embedded themselves and set, and i can't help but feel that there is no entrance for me there. but if not there, where? where do i belong? until i find out, i will have to tough it out. perhaps someday i will fit in here, perhaps one day i won't. for now i don't, but as time passes, i will find someplace i belong and feel a sense of belonging, whether here, or there, wherever i end up going.
but i don't know where i should be. there'd be a few people i'd miss so much
people that mean so much to me that i cannot imagine being away from them.
but then i realize and remember waht someone once told me. a true friendship transcends all boundaries of communication. a true friend is one you can call up after years, and talk as if you had never parted. and a true friend is one that you can also call the next day, and talk as if you hadn't met in years. it is that contradiction and paradox, that complication that makes so much sense, that is waht i see as a friend. those i know will go with me wherever i end up. but at the same time, it's other people, other situations, that make me wonder if i really should still be here. i just have the feeling i'm in the wrong place, and that has only reconfirmed itself since i went to UMBC, i know it's been only 1 semester, but i already get the feeling that the situation has established itself, and i'm not a part of that. the social networks have been spun, and they have embedded themselves and set, and i can't help but feel that there is no entrance for me there. but if not there, where? where do i belong? until i find out, i will have to tough it out. perhaps someday i will fit in here, perhaps one day i won't. for now i don't, but as time passes, i will find someplace i belong and feel a sense of belonging, whether here, or there, wherever i end up going.
Friday, September 12, 2008
been awhile
hmm i realized i hadn't written here in quite awhile, and i've lately been thinking about things so here we go.
i am going to recount on my topic of love from awhile back. So many have come to me asking about love, how can you tell when you're in love, what is this love thing, explain it. well i am by far the last person to ask about love, but i suppose i could share a bit more about my thoughts on it.
seeing as how i've never been in love, i cannot say honestly when you know. there is the stereotypical oft heard cliche that, when you are in love you'll know. i know many who i suppose looking at them you could say they're in love. i've seen my friends find people who they refuse to live without, who they realize means so much to them that life without them is hard to imagine. Such a connection is quite notable i must think, and i cannot deny how happy they are with that person. now given they are not always lovey dovey agreeable,, of course they have conflicts and fights, but when it comes down to it, they are completely satisfied with the other person, and there is a mutal feeling and a sense of trust and contentness with the other side.
love, that is a hard word to explain, especially nowadays when it's made so lightly and used to superficially. Yes i am an old time romantic, i believe in love still, that it still exists. But in a world of hook ups and superficial crushes and affections, love has become essentially non existent. I will not argue with you when you say you don't believe in love, in today's world, it's hard not to, every day we see so many stories about divorces, they happen everywhere, people marry so easily, and split just as quickly, everyone else does it, why shouldn't we? well that feeling is undeniable, and i honestly think that the thought of finding a person that makes you so happy, that really is the one, i think that is worth the trouble, the wait, the pain of finding them. Believe in it or not, that doesn't concern me, you are entitled to your own thoughts. i will believe in that irrational intangible thing that can cause so much, pain, happiness, confusion, a wide range of emotions. i refuse to give up on it, to confrom to a world who has abandoned it, because as long as i go, i shall try to keep the dream alive :), and remain old fashioned hopeless romantic to the end
i am going to recount on my topic of love from awhile back. So many have come to me asking about love, how can you tell when you're in love, what is this love thing, explain it. well i am by far the last person to ask about love, but i suppose i could share a bit more about my thoughts on it.
seeing as how i've never been in love, i cannot say honestly when you know. there is the stereotypical oft heard cliche that, when you are in love you'll know. i know many who i suppose looking at them you could say they're in love. i've seen my friends find people who they refuse to live without, who they realize means so much to them that life without them is hard to imagine. Such a connection is quite notable i must think, and i cannot deny how happy they are with that person. now given they are not always lovey dovey agreeable,, of course they have conflicts and fights, but when it comes down to it, they are completely satisfied with the other person, and there is a mutal feeling and a sense of trust and contentness with the other side.
love, that is a hard word to explain, especially nowadays when it's made so lightly and used to superficially. Yes i am an old time romantic, i believe in love still, that it still exists. But in a world of hook ups and superficial crushes and affections, love has become essentially non existent. I will not argue with you when you say you don't believe in love, in today's world, it's hard not to, every day we see so many stories about divorces, they happen everywhere, people marry so easily, and split just as quickly, everyone else does it, why shouldn't we? well that feeling is undeniable, and i honestly think that the thought of finding a person that makes you so happy, that really is the one, i think that is worth the trouble, the wait, the pain of finding them. Believe in it or not, that doesn't concern me, you are entitled to your own thoughts. i will believe in that irrational intangible thing that can cause so much, pain, happiness, confusion, a wide range of emotions. i refuse to give up on it, to confrom to a world who has abandoned it, because as long as i go, i shall try to keep the dream alive :), and remain old fashioned hopeless romantic to the end
Monday, May 5, 2008
the paradox of our time
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
str! eet to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you ! can choose either to share this insight,
or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath away.
(didn't write it, found it awhile ago but wanted to bump it :) )
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
str! eet to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you ! can choose either to share this insight,
or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath away.
(didn't write it, found it awhile ago but wanted to bump it :) )
Summer
with summer fast approaching, i figure now would be a good time to write a lil blurb about it
summer means alot of different things. for one, most people have summer vacations away from school. summer's really hot obviously, and summer's a time to relax for kids.
so i wanted to talk a bit about summer and the meanings behind it.
for one thing, i think we can all agree that summer is representative of freedom. during summer, you are on vacation, you are not required to go to school or anything, so in a sense you are free from the once daily routine of school. however, obviously if you are not in school anymore and have a job, summer doesn't exactly represent freedom in that way.
so summer also represents something else, happiness. there's something about warm weather that brings out the smiles in people. no matter how people feel, often just telling them to spend some time outdoors will cheer up many a person. there's just something about the warmth, perhaps because the 2 previous seasons were kinda dreary, especially around this area. in winter, it's cold and often miserable, it's easy to get sick due to the lower temperatures, so it's a bleak season for many. then after that is spring, it starts to get warmer but it rains alot, and rain can have a gloomy effect on people. but summer, it's hot, doesn't rain that much, it's so much happier of a time. summer to me depicts a time where children are running around carefree, or swimming, spending time as if to make up for the lost time they spent doing schoolwork, now without that work, they are free to express themselves in other ways, such as recreation. i know i for one am looking forward to summer, as it is a time for me to unwind myself and some changes will occur. but regardless, i dare say rarely will you see someone not happy during this season, perhaps except for the blazing heat or allergies, but even then, i experience that, and the warmth still makes me smile.
summer means alot of different things. for one, most people have summer vacations away from school. summer's really hot obviously, and summer's a time to relax for kids.
so i wanted to talk a bit about summer and the meanings behind it.
for one thing, i think we can all agree that summer is representative of freedom. during summer, you are on vacation, you are not required to go to school or anything, so in a sense you are free from the once daily routine of school. however, obviously if you are not in school anymore and have a job, summer doesn't exactly represent freedom in that way.
so summer also represents something else, happiness. there's something about warm weather that brings out the smiles in people. no matter how people feel, often just telling them to spend some time outdoors will cheer up many a person. there's just something about the warmth, perhaps because the 2 previous seasons were kinda dreary, especially around this area. in winter, it's cold and often miserable, it's easy to get sick due to the lower temperatures, so it's a bleak season for many. then after that is spring, it starts to get warmer but it rains alot, and rain can have a gloomy effect on people. but summer, it's hot, doesn't rain that much, it's so much happier of a time. summer to me depicts a time where children are running around carefree, or swimming, spending time as if to make up for the lost time they spent doing schoolwork, now without that work, they are free to express themselves in other ways, such as recreation. i know i for one am looking forward to summer, as it is a time for me to unwind myself and some changes will occur. but regardless, i dare say rarely will you see someone not happy during this season, perhaps except for the blazing heat or allergies, but even then, i experience that, and the warmth still makes me smile.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
betrayal
pain
anguish
despair
there's a lot of things betrayal can make you feel, rarely are there any good feelings
but why do people betray one another
why is it that one day everything is fine, yet the next day suddenly BAM, you've been backstabbed, seemingly out of the blue
well, it's often (dare i say never?) out of the blue, and if you look, there are surely signs that this was happening. it's a slow process, over time you might notice, looking back, that gradually things had begun to change. perhaps someone isn't reacting, answering quite the way you expect to. someone you knew so well suddenly can seem like a different person. that is surely one of teh first signs of betrayal. eventually it just culminates in one final act, one moment that leaves you hurt, confused, wondering why.
that's a very good question. why? why did this happen? well one of the first things i must tell you is that it is entirely possible it's not your fault. did you do anything to deserve it? if this is one of your friends, then i'm sure you didn't cause it. then what happened? perhaps your friend just changed. change happens, people change it's a matter of life. perhaps your friend changed and realized the way they were now, being so much different, their view of you changed. perhaps it might have actually been your fault. your friend dropping subtle hints asking you to change something, but you not taking heed. there are so many different ways and reasons why such acts happen. but to be sure, it's not something that is pleasant to go through. really no one that i know of can honestly say they look forward to being betrayed, noone who enjoys it. betrayal hurts, and the sad part is, in our world today it's a matter of, betray first before you are betrayed. i've seen it happen so much, someone suspects that something's coming, so they pre-emptive strike. it's easy when you're right. you can just say, oh see, at least i didnt' get the short end of the stick. but what if they're wrong? just shrug it off and say oops? say something along the lines of, it was going to happen anyway better now rather than later?
sorry to say, that low and asinine of you. call me old fashioned, i'll agree i am whole heartedly. i have old fashioned values, but who decided taht old fashioned was wrong, since when has treating everyone with respect wrong? being nice to people regardless. before that was called being humanly and a good person, now it's called being a pushover, someone who's weak and allows people to walk all over him.
yes i have had my share of betrayal, i am not immune or naive to this term, or the reprucussions of going through such an ordeal. i know how it feels, and i cannot say it doesn't hurt. it does. someone you treasure, acts in a way you don't expect, it's like a shock, you are just left in disbelief. it's not easy to bounce back from one of these. nay i'll dare say few manage to recover within a short amount of time. it just doesn't work that way.
what makes it so dangerous is that often the damage is worse than one expects. physics abuse, that heals, but the mental anguish, the psychological shock or trauma, no matter how strong one is, mental damage is not quickly mended, nor mitigated, especially by someone you trust, someone you thought you were safe in. suddenly, what's safe anymore? your very safety is suddenly dangerous it can throw one mad. it's easy for someone else to say, oh it's ok it'll pass. deep down, you know it will, but chances are, you're not thinking like that, chances are you're thinking of the right now, where can i be safe from this i can't take another betrayal.
this is a hot topic, i'll end my post here mainly because i can't think of where to stop, but i'll be writing more on this, i jsut need a bit more time to dwell, but don't think this is the end of the topic simply because i'm ending this post, betrayal is not that simple, and neither will my talk on it, count on that
anguish
despair
there's a lot of things betrayal can make you feel, rarely are there any good feelings
but why do people betray one another
why is it that one day everything is fine, yet the next day suddenly BAM, you've been backstabbed, seemingly out of the blue
well, it's often (dare i say never?) out of the blue, and if you look, there are surely signs that this was happening. it's a slow process, over time you might notice, looking back, that gradually things had begun to change. perhaps someone isn't reacting, answering quite the way you expect to. someone you knew so well suddenly can seem like a different person. that is surely one of teh first signs of betrayal. eventually it just culminates in one final act, one moment that leaves you hurt, confused, wondering why.
that's a very good question. why? why did this happen? well one of the first things i must tell you is that it is entirely possible it's not your fault. did you do anything to deserve it? if this is one of your friends, then i'm sure you didn't cause it. then what happened? perhaps your friend just changed. change happens, people change it's a matter of life. perhaps your friend changed and realized the way they were now, being so much different, their view of you changed. perhaps it might have actually been your fault. your friend dropping subtle hints asking you to change something, but you not taking heed. there are so many different ways and reasons why such acts happen. but to be sure, it's not something that is pleasant to go through. really no one that i know of can honestly say they look forward to being betrayed, noone who enjoys it. betrayal hurts, and the sad part is, in our world today it's a matter of, betray first before you are betrayed. i've seen it happen so much, someone suspects that something's coming, so they pre-emptive strike. it's easy when you're right. you can just say, oh see, at least i didnt' get the short end of the stick. but what if they're wrong? just shrug it off and say oops? say something along the lines of, it was going to happen anyway better now rather than later?
sorry to say, that low and asinine of you. call me old fashioned, i'll agree i am whole heartedly. i have old fashioned values, but who decided taht old fashioned was wrong, since when has treating everyone with respect wrong? being nice to people regardless. before that was called being humanly and a good person, now it's called being a pushover, someone who's weak and allows people to walk all over him.
yes i have had my share of betrayal, i am not immune or naive to this term, or the reprucussions of going through such an ordeal. i know how it feels, and i cannot say it doesn't hurt. it does. someone you treasure, acts in a way you don't expect, it's like a shock, you are just left in disbelief. it's not easy to bounce back from one of these. nay i'll dare say few manage to recover within a short amount of time. it just doesn't work that way.
what makes it so dangerous is that often the damage is worse than one expects. physics abuse, that heals, but the mental anguish, the psychological shock or trauma, no matter how strong one is, mental damage is not quickly mended, nor mitigated, especially by someone you trust, someone you thought you were safe in. suddenly, what's safe anymore? your very safety is suddenly dangerous it can throw one mad. it's easy for someone else to say, oh it's ok it'll pass. deep down, you know it will, but chances are, you're not thinking like that, chances are you're thinking of the right now, where can i be safe from this i can't take another betrayal.
this is a hot topic, i'll end my post here mainly because i can't think of where to stop, but i'll be writing more on this, i jsut need a bit more time to dwell, but don't think this is the end of the topic simply because i'm ending this post, betrayal is not that simple, and neither will my talk on it, count on that
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